Thomas L. Knapp

Tom Knapp is Managing Editor of Free-Market.Net and publisher of Rational Review.

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A Letter to Zek

To: Zek Kolyma
From: T.L. Knapp
Subject: Election 2002


Per your advice, I am preparing to hole up in the basement with my entire arsenal, a case of bourbon and seventy houris to wait out the election cycle.

I've had extra phone lines installed so that I can reach my bookies, and I've leveraged every bit of liquidity I have into bets that the Democrats will pick up three to five seats in the Senate and more in the House. If I win, we'll do surf and turf for Thanksgiving. If not, the bookies will be on the cattle cars bound for Fort Wayne like everyone else except me and my houris anyway, and I won't miss the bankroll during what will probably prove to be a savage, but much shorter, re-enactment of the Mount Carmel fiasco.

The weasels are in the corn crib, my friend, and it's up to people like us to keep our heads and preserve Western Civilization, Kama Sutra and good booze through the nightmare years to come. Our obligations as guardians of the American way of life weigh heavily sometimes.

Are you confident that the Direct Action Group for Guerilla Extropian Revolution can pull off its last-ditch plan and arrange for Silverfoot Junior to get another DWI, this time in the presidential limo with a scantily clad Ted Kennedy riding shotgun, swilling Laphroiag and fondling himself?

If it can be done, there won't even be time for an impeachment. The Great Unwashed will feed Trent Lott through a wood-chipper on the Capitol steps alive within hours of the first CNN "Breaking News" jingle and they'll have Saddam sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom so that he can be fresh when they bring out Silverfoot Junior for the auto da fe. They should be able to get him a coach ticket from Baghdad so that he can arrive at Dulles before they've even brought in the wild Russian boars from Oklahoma to devour Silverfoot Junior, silver feet first, on the White House lawn.

It's going to get ugly either way, Zek. Just thinking about it makes me want to get deeper into this pint of Kentucky Tavern 80-proof and check to make sure the shotgun is loaded.

I'll be voting Libertarian, of course. I always do. A Democratic sweep isn't going to make any difference in the long run -- it's just a sort of holding action -- and we mustn't allow ourselves to be like Lenin's "useful idiots" and delude ourselves into thinking that Daschle and Company are anything but the treacherous, thieving swine they are.

Gephardt, that gutless bastard, has already tested the wind and is trying to sidestep the Long Knife, but it won't work. If Silverfoot gets his "mandate," Poor Richard will be led away with the friends he betrayed and his blood will be drained into bottles for the White House wine cellar, regardless of what promises were made in the lavatory on Air Force One last weekend.

My sources tell me that Ken Starr has signed a long-term lease on the entire top floor of the Watergate and that bastinado equipment is en route from Madrid.

The fix is in, wild man. Beware.We thought that the Long Dark Night of Bill was as bad as it could get, but we ain't seen nothing yet.

There are reports of large-scale rail movements radiating outward from Fort Wayne and of wrecking crews and psychics assembling in Chicago to begin reconstruction of the Wigwam promptly on November 6th, this time with proper attention to its feng shui. Small gatherings of Wide-Awakes, practicing close order drill by torchlight, have been dispersed by police in Minot and Racine.

DAGGER and its expensive Scotch may be all that stands between us and apocalypse, my friend. The highways of St. Louis are clogged with old Democratic money trying to make it to the Canadian border ahead of Homeland Security. And we are next. If the robot they've replaced Dick Cheney with gets wind of your operation, the best we can hope for is to go down fighting.

Existence mucous carnival.*

On the bright side, there's a fair prospect that the machine will grind to a temporary halt, if it actually allows and acknowledges real election results (2000 does not inspire confidence in that regard). The Dems are playing it slick and close and are only in it for themselves, but they may pull it off. The Libertarians are set to win some state legislative seats and peace activists are holding the Dems' feet to the fire. Byrd might be willing to filibuster the "carte blanch for George" resolution if he can get a new road and bridge project for West Virginia out of the deal (and if they can find a square acre in West Virginia that hasn't already been paved to put it on).

Don't give up hope. Remain cool. And keep that rotten stoat Nader locked in the basement where he belongs. He would only confuse the issue and now is the time for management, not panic or confused thinking. We are, after all, professionals.


* From the Latin: Life Snot Fair.