Kevin J. Tull
Kevin J. Tull, a Missouri Libertarian Party activist, is not related to Jethro Tull.
If Being Secure is Wrong, Then I Don't Wanna Have Rights
Today the risk from terrorism is so great that few rational people can see limits to the security measures to which Americans should be willing to be subjected. Being a father of five young children, I am especially concerned about security. I have realized the need for increased security in my life, so following the example set by the federal government I have set up security checkpoints around my home. No amount of security can be too much in this dangerous age, and since the volume of persons traversing the sidewalk in front of my home is minimal and lessening by the day, I have the ability to treat all potential terrorists equally. Full strip searches and body cavity searches.
Some people have claimed that their fourth amendment rights are being violated, to which I reply "Talk to the shotgun." That's my favorite! I gently draw their attention to the picture of my five children I have safety pinned to my camo jacket. I then tell them that rights are to be forfeited when there is a compelling interest of the public (me) to preserve the safety of the public (me and my family.)
Some still pouting persist "This is a public sidewalk" I tell them that I am not only responsible for the safety of the residents of this property, but the persons who traverse this sidewalk as well; after all can I not be sued for negligence when a person slips on the sidewalk because I have not cleared all ice and snow from the concrete? As I press the barrel of the shotgun against their Adam's apple I stress that I am only doing this for their safety as well as mine. At this point, all (so far) comply, being overwhelmed by the logic of my arguments.
I have found that people willingly and quickly remove their footwear when I show them my hunting knife before I ask them to remove their shoes. I then slice the entire sole of the shoe to check for hidden explosives. I do provide silver duct tape to repair all damage, and for a sense of style. I even have some black electrical tape in case they're partial to stripes.
I have to admit cavity searches are the worst part of the job. I used to go through a lot of rubber gloves but I have found using a pump plunger is much more effective. There is a higher degree of risk to the potential terrorist when I'm using the plunger, but we all have to make a few sacrifices for living in a free safe society. Once I pulled a spleen from a female jogger. OK, it might have been a liver (what am I, a doctor?), but she didn't complain; in fact she seemed downright happy knowing the cavity search is the final security check. I haven't seen her since. A few parents in the neighborhood have actually brought their children down for the cavity search and on one occasion a wedding ring was found. Usually, when dealing with children, it's just marbles, tinfoil, paper clips and an occasional Lego.
I have devised a way to halt all traffic flow that passes close enough to the compound, um house, to pose a potential threat. It looks like two three-quarter inch thick sheets of plywood with 480 two-inch nails driven through the boards and then glued to the street with roofing compound, and it's working just fine. Security doesn't have to cost a lot to be effective.
I still have some problems with air space security; most poor birds and squirrels that could be converted by devious minds into mammalian and aviary bombs are easy enough to neutralize with one shotgun blast. The real security problems come from aircraft that fly too high for ground defense; occasionally I will try to take out a helicopter if I can determine that they're not actually broadcasting traffic reports (a clear sign of terrorist activity.)
As we all know now we can't hide behind a Bill Of Rights claiming to be patriots. That mindset will only get us all killed by suicidal Muhammad Allah worshippers armed with highly sharpened plastic knives and forks (you don't even want to think about what they'll be doing with the plastic spoons). We all know that rights are the sheepskins of wolves (I just made that one up.) Well here comes the mailman. Strange, he's not wearing any shoes. And he's always so clean, and I mean deep down clean.
Kevin Joseph Tull,
Plunging For The American Way
