Just got this business opportunity by email. Can anyone tell me whether it’s legit?–me

Dear Idiot,

I am the son of a Nigerian multi-millionaire who was recently decapitated in a coup attempt in my war-torn country with lots of millionaires but not before hiding his wealth from his enemies in a secure bank account. PLEASE KEEP THIS INFORMATION TOP SECRET BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

Scouring the Internet for someone avec whom I could communicate in strictest confidentiality I was given your name by a mutual friend who said you were trustworthy and would like to receive millions of dollars, if this is not you please to forgive.

Trusting you to keep this matter in strictest confidence. Only you and the billion other people receiving this letter will be privy to this opportunity, which is occasioned by the desperacy of my circumstances here in the war-torn impoverished Nigeria, things suck here. Me and the other millions of tribally spat-upon sons of millionaires here are just frantic to get our money into the hands of Internet acquaintances like you so you can get the millions-of-dollars fee. Please help! Cuz there’s just no fucking way we Nigerian sons of millionaires have any idea of how to set up a bank account of our own outside of Nigeria without the help of a complete stranger I’m contacting off a spam email list.

What I need you to do, okay, fine blessed sir…what I need you to do RIGHT NOW is contact me with the information that you are willing to receive the millions of dollars that will be your transaction fee as bona fide international money transfer recipient broker guy. Only if you agree by OFFICIAL EMAIL can I make the arrangement to send you all these millions of dollars–I think it’s like a hundred million or so that my wealthy decapitated dad has in the secret account to which only I have the access code–and this must be done with all due expedition and fortitude. He was a general in the army and spent a lot of time beating up villagers to get this money, but he got on the wrong side of the recent civil conflict and that is why they turned against him, please help me rectify this injustice! Needless to say, 20% of 100 million is $20 million dollars (USD! not that Canadian play money!) and I think this will be a fair fee for me to give to you in return for your help in accepting this money and getting it out of the country for me you moron. Do you agree?

Therefore–and let me most urgently stress this as an absolute necessity given the circumstances of our war-torn, impoverished country here–I must most strenuously request and graciously expect in the kindness of your American heart that you will heretofore thus and therefore expedite this IMMEDIATE TRANSFER FROM ME TO YOU OF A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!! (Now don’t walk off with the whole sum or anything once the transfer is complete, okay? Cuz I’ll be wanting to pick up my eighty million part of it later.)

In pursuant of this goal it is absolutely mandatory and sealing of the deal THAT I RECEIVE FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY the following information that will allow me to send you A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS with all due dispatch and there’s a bridge you might also be interested in:

o Your Name (as spelled!).

o Your Date of Birth (I will be wanting to send you a birthday card).

o Your Social Security Number (this is so we can EXPEDITE MATTERS FULLY).

o Your Bank Account Number or Numbers (so we can send you the HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS, uh huh).

o Your Credit Card Report (would love to see this).

o Your Current Residence And Residences For The Last 10 Years, Your Phone Number, And When You Are Home And When You Are Not Home.

o Your ATM Cards for EACH of the bank accounts into which you want me to deposit the HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. Please INCLUDE YOUR PIN NUMBERS (this is just so we can confirm that the accounts belong to you and not somebody else whom you might secretly be trying to give the hundred million dollars to instead of yourself).

Once we have established the validity of these we will contact you to perform the transfer.

Sincerely,

Ono Mowono Gabbi Abbi Dwabbi Dwo Mo Jo Wo Ho, Jr.
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David M. Brown (davidmbrown.com) is a freelance writer and editor.